7 Things New Motorcycle Riders Do That Scream NOOB

Everybody starts somewhere. Some just make a bigger production out of it.

Nobody was born knowing how to ride a motorcycle. We all started out somewhere, probably doing something embarrassing that we're damn glad nobody caught on video.

But there's something about buying that first motorcycle that makes otherwise reasonable adults temporarily lose their minds.

Suddenly, a guy who's spent the last 20 years driving a Toyota Camry is walking around like he's just been patched into an outlaw club. He's got the boots, the vest, the sunglasses, and an attitude that suggests he's personally responsible for keeping the American highway system open.

Never mind that he's put 147 miles on his bike, and 90 of those were riding back and forth to the dealership.

If you're new to riding, don't take this personally. We've all been there. Well, most of us. The rest are lying.

Here are seven things that practically announce to the world that you're still figuring this motorcycle thing out.

1. Buying the Entire Biker Lifestyle Before Learning How to Ride

The bike cost $32,000. The accessories, clothing, jewelry, and assorted skull-covered merchandise? Another $4,000.

This guy has three leather vests, six pairs of gloves, a wallet chain that could tow a pickup truck, and enough patches to qualify as a walking billboard.

But ask him how many miles he's ridden this year.

“Well, I've been pretty busy.”

There's nothing wrong with looking good on your motorcycle. Hell, we sell biker gear for a living.

But sooner or later, you've actually got to ride the thing.

2. Revving the Engine at Every Damn Stoplight

There's always that one guy.

He's sitting at a red light, blipping the throttle every four seconds like his motorcycle is going to stall if he doesn't keep reminding it who's boss.

VROOM. VROOM. VROOM.

Buddy, we hear you. The people three blocks away hear you. The poor woman in the minivan next to you definitely hears you.

Your bike has an idle. It's a wonderful invention. Give it a try.

And if you're doing it because you think everybody's looking at you, you're right. Just probably not for the reason you think.

3. Duck-Walking a Motorcycle Across an Entire Parking Lot

We've all seen it.

A perfectly capable motorcycle rolling across a parking lot at approximately the speed of continental drift, with its rider paddling both feet along the pavement like Fred Flintstone.

Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot.

At this rate, he'll reach the exit sometime Thursday.

There's nothing wrong with putting your feet down when you're maneuvering a heavy motorcycle, especially on uneven ground. Experienced riders do it when necessary.

But if you're using your boots as the primary means of propulsion for 200 feet, it might be time to practice a little slow-speed control.

A parking lot and a few cones can teach you more than another $500 worth of chrome.

4. Acting Like Every Other Motorcycle Brand Is Garbage

He's owned a Harley for eleven days.

Already, he's explaining to a guy who's been riding for 35 years why every motorcycle manufactured outside Milwaukee is an inferior piece of machinery.

Never mind that he couldn't identify a primary if somebody handed him one.

And this isn't limited to Harley riders. Sportbike guys do it. Adventure riders do it. BMW owners can turn a conversation about tire pressure into a graduate-level engineering seminar.

Here's a little secret: a good rider on a cheap motorcycle can have a hell of a lot more fun than a lousy rider on a $40,000 one.

Ride what you like, but maybe wait until you've worn out your first set of tires before declaring yourself an expert on everybody else's bike.

5. Treating a 75-Mile Ride Like an Expedition Across the globe

The weather forecast says 74 degrees and sunny.

Our hero has packed rain gear, three changes of clothes, a tire repair kit, two flashlights, a first-aid kit, four bottles of water, and enough snacks to survive a week in the wilderness.

He's also checked the weather radar eleven times.

The destination? A barbecue restaurant 37 miles away.

Being prepared is smart. Having tools and emergency supplies is smart. Nobody's making fun of that.

But there's a difference between being prepared and acting like you're leading a rescue mission into the Amazon.

Sometimes you just need to get on the bike and go eat a cheeseburger. Damn the rain gear  

6. Trying Way Too Hard to Look Like a Badass

The brand-new rider rolls into the local bike night, puts on his toughest expression, and starts walking around like he's auditioning for the next season of Sons of Anarchy.

He doesn't smile. He doesn't wave. He stands with his arms crossed, occasionally nodding at people like he's approving parole applications.

Meanwhile, theres a guy at the bar, with 300,000 miles under his belt, laughing, drinking a beer, and telling about the time he dropped his bike in front of an entire restaurant.

Guess which one everybody wants to hang out with?

The funny thing about genuinely tough people is that they rarely need to advertise it.

Relax. Have a good time. Nobody's handing out trophies for looking pissed off.

7. Spending More Time Photographing the Bike Than Riding It

First comes the photo in the driveway.

Then the photo at the gas station. Then the photo outside the restaurant. Then another photo from a slightly different angle outside the same restaurant.

By lunchtime, this guy has posted 23 pictures of his motorcycle and traveled a grand total of 18 miles.

Every picture has a caption like “Two-wheel therapy” or “Born to ride.”

And yes, the bike is beautiful. We know. We've seen it seventeen times today.

There's nothing wrong with being proud of your motorcycle. That first bike is a big deal, and it ought to be.

But some of the best rides you'll ever take are the ones where you forget to pull out your phone.

Here's the Thing About New Riders

All kidding aside, every experienced rider started out as a beginner.

Some of us dropped our bikes in parking lots. Some stalled at intersections. Some spent ridiculous amounts of money on things we didn't need. And some of us still do all three.

The difference between a new rider and an experienced one isn't the brand of motorcycle, the number of patches on a vest, or how intimidating somebody looks walking into a bar.

It's miles, judgment, and the willingness to keep learning.

The motorcycle community needs new riders. Without them, the rallies get smaller, the dealerships disappear, and eventually we're all sitting around telling the same stories to the same six old guys.

So if you're new, welcome aboard.

Just ease up on the throttle at red lights, quit worrying about looking tough, and put some miles on that thing. The rest will come.

Now it's your turn.

What's the biggest rookie giveaway you've seen at a motorcycle rally? Better yet, what's something embarrassing you did when you first started riding?

We've got a feeling there are some pretty good stories out there.

And when you're ready for gear that doesn't scream NOOB, you know where to find us.